A Letter To Myself

Dear me,

You picked growth as your word for the year, do you remember?

Of course you do. That word has been dancing around your mind (and heart) like it’s 1999.

You chose it with hope, with fire, with clarity. You were ready to plant new things. You knew, deep down, that you were meant for something that was more aligned, more in-service of others. Sure, you may have missed out on becoming a psychologist but the Universe has its way of leading you to the right things, doesn’t it? That’s what it felt like when you found coaching - it was the missing piece to the puzzle that is your life.

And so you began this journey of just… wanting to help, to serve. Maybe it’s too late to switch careers but you had hope, and the simple desire to live life in alignment to your heart. Some nice people would say, with naïveté. But what did you have to ~~lose~~ win? So you embarked on it.

Multiple sketchy business plans, early mornings, repetitive research, training courses, certifications, and conversations that stretched you, challenged you, made you question… you.

Yeah I guess you could say, you did the work.

While juggling work and checking off the list at the start was easy, somewhere in the doing, you sensed your edges starting to fray.

You said yes to too much. You took on projects that sounded right but didn’t feel right, and then found yourself depleted. You overcommitted, not out of ego, but out of that quiet fear of ‘what if this all doesn’t work out’?.

You gave your time and knowledge generously… sometimes too generously.

You trusted people who didn’t hold your trust well. And it hurt. The disappointment. The subtle betrayal. The way it made you second-guess your value and instincts. It’s the place you promised to never put yourself in ever again, 4 years ago.

Yet you did.

Disappointing yourself was not a foreign feeling.

Then maybe worst of all, you lost sleep. Proper, nourishing, restful sleep.

The one thing you always could count on to “regenerate” you. That was the hardest part.

You lay awake at 3am, anxious, worried, unsure.

You found yourself genuinely fearful: “What if the insomnia comes back for good?”

And in those moments, growth didn’t look like anything inspiring. You felt (and still do feel) like a phony.

It just looked like survival.

It was not ideal but you know what? You didn’t abandon yourself.

You slowed down. You started again.

You looked gently at your habits, your diet, your calendar.

You cleared space. Said no.